Borderline Personaliwhat?

“I'm so good at beginnings, but in the end I always seem to destroy everything, including myself.” ― Kiera Van Gelder

Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Emotionally Unstable Disorder.

Whatever it is,

It’s shit.

Everything is just intensified, the good emotions and the bad. It’s common for everything to seem like it’s either black or white and it’s true, there’s no middle ground of ‘okay’, it’s either really fucking fabulous with rainbows and unicorns and glitter and sunshine or it’s bleak, everything is black and worthless. And that changes in an instant and at times there isn’t a trigger at all, it’s like a switch. After a couple of hours, or even in less than an hour that can all change again. You stop crying, your stop feeling worthless and empty and you’re back to the state you were in before, just shrug it off and move on. People don’t understand that at all. The amount of times I’ve been in an episode, itching to harm myself, screaming at people, hitting myself and losing control and then twenty minutes later I’m laughing and I’m fine and I get called crazy or people can’t comprehend why in a matter of minutes I’ve completely changed. It looks attention seeking, it looks like it’s forced but it honestly isn’t. Why would I put myself through such a dramatic change, such a confusing state of emotion? Mood swings are seriously not fun. They make me feel so confused and question why my brain can feel one thing so immensely and then suddenly it's gone and I feel okay, I feel better.

When I was younger mood swings were a regular occurrence, they could happen because of something happening or nothing at all. I would rigorously plan my day in my head, especially if I was visiting someone or going out for the day, if something happened that changed anything it would set me off, if the person cancelled on me, it would set me off. If something was to happen that I didn’t like the sound off, I would explode into an episode. I was told that I would be staying with my grandparents whilst my mum went on holiday for the week and I FREAKED. There’s nothing wrong with staying at my grandparents (I would love to now!) but the thought of unfamiliarity, being without my bed, a change in normality formed such intense emotions, emotions difficult to comprehend and it sent me into an episode when previously I was absolutely fine.

THE. FEAR. OF. ABANDONMENT. I am a more ‘quiet’ type of BPD when dealing with this fear.

SO

            I push people away because if I push people away and don’t let them get too close I don’t run the risk of being abandoned because I’ve technically abandoned them and so they haven’t hurt me, I’ve hurt myself and that’s kind of fine because in my thinking I should be hard on myself. But I’ve ended up no better because I wanted that person to stay and I’ve abandoned them.

            Writing it down, it seems so fucking stupid and messed up but I’ve done it so much, with friends with previous relationships because if I feel like I might be abandoned I fuck it up first and then come to the realisation of what I have done when it’s too late. I admit, this isn’t as common anymore and I try not to push people away but I am still fearful of getting abandoned. Obviously, regarding relationships, this doesn’t sit well and I have a hard time accepting that someone isn’t going to leave me. This is also where the paranoia and delusion come in to play.

            I have endless paranoia, every god damn day. I also have delusions that people are plotting against me, that people are forming alliances to hurt me, that people are ‘out to get me’. As mentioned above I have strong feelings that people will leave me and I will have to deal without the support network I have formed. I feel like the more I think people will abandon me, the more likely it is to happen and therefore the whole process of pushing people away starts again. I have feelings that everyone hates me and I can’t control this or draw on examples of times when I felt like people didn’t hate me.

Here’s an example of my fucked-up way of thinking:

                        I think A hates me. However, last week A invited me out and told me how much they appreciate me as a friend and how well we get on. I cannot draw on that instance if I get it into my head that A hates me. So, I end up looking like a prat and asking, “do you like me/do you hate me”, to which A says of course I don't hate you. In some cases, I think “okay, I’m being a massive jeb and not thinking rationally” and other times I think “NAH BUN THAT THEY’RE LYING TO ME, THEY HATE ME, THAT’S IT, IM DONE.” In a week, I might have a totally different way of thinking, maybe if something positive happens.

            I am extremely hard on myself when something bad happens. And NO, I can’t just brush it off and deal with it. The emotions I feel when something happens are also extremely intense and hard to ignore. I think because of this I always prepare for the worse and am always on guard for the worst thing to happen. I convince myself that this will happen and no one can change my mind. When it doesn’t happen obviously, there’s a huge relief but because I’ve been so focused on a negative for so long, it takes a while to get the negative thought out of my mind. When something bad happens it usually results in an episode or a long period of low mood. In an episode, there can be extreme rage, usually directed at myself because also at others too. I don’t mean to rage at these people, hurt their feelings and I’m usually extremely apologetic after realising what I’ve done. I think of myself as a generally calm and passive person and episodes don’t reflect my true self.

That’s not the end of it. There’s also the self-sabotage, not feeling worthy, creating false images of myself, acting out, having no sense of myself at times (probably why I explored pretty much every avenue of fashion and music, some regretful…) and not being able to recognise connections with people. There’s the feeling of complete emptiness especially in times of an episode. Or sometimes I can wake up and just feel empty, it’s such a strange feeling to comprehend and explain to someone that might ever have felt it. You feel nothing but you feel everything but you’re numb so you don’t really feel it, it’s just there and it still eats away at you but you can’t really deal with it right now because you’re empty and there’s nothing left to fight it. There are the urges to self-harm, especially when something goes wrong and it might not even be your fault, but you make it your fault and you need to release what has happened and you take it out on yourself because that feels right. Even worse, the suicidal “just kill yourself” thoughts crop up and sometimes they’re unbearable, sometimes they’re just there.

I haven’t had a really bad episode in a while, as I’ve got older I find they’re not so common, I also notice that sometimes they can be brought on from drinking too much. I feel emotions really fucking hard and sometimes that’s a struggle. I am so much better than I was in my teenage years, hormonal changes probably didn’t help. At times, I think I’m over BPD but I realise (even from writing this) when I get certain feelings or act in a certain way that I’m far from ‘over it’. I guess I just manage it better and know my triggers. It’s a difficult illness, because it’s so confusing, even for the person that has it. I could honestly write another 3000 words on it (maybe a part two??) because there is so much to it.

For anyone suffering, it’s shit, I know. You’ll have great months, great weeks, great days but you’ll also have really shit times. You’ll be self-destructive, you’ll be seen as manipulative even though you’re not trying to be, you’ll be seen as attention seeking, but it’s just because you feel everything so intensely. People don’t understand because to them, what you feel is to them not proportionate or the reasons you ‘act out’ doesn’t seem important to them, but it’s important to YOU and that’s what matters. To those dealing with someone with BPD, be patient. I’ve hurt people and I really regret it and honestly, I never wished any harm to come to those people. I’ve pushed people away, I regret it. I manage it so much better now and I’ve learnt from my mistakes and people do get through this, it just lingers.

There is a great app called “Calm Harm” that is a great tool in helping to fight the urge of self-harm and could be used to combat episodes:

Calm Harm