2017: Rambles about my shit year at the start of February in the NEXT year when I am supposed to be doing University work

Last fucking year.

Arguably the worst year of my life that contained loss, hurt, heartbreak. In the bleakest of times I wasn’t sure that I would see 2018. From ambulances to hospital admissions, I made it to 2018, a stronger, more well-rounded person than I was before. Am I full okay? Nope, but my fuck am I better than last year.

IM WRITING THIS 2 MONTHS AFTER THE BEGINNING OF 2018  because university has filled up all my time and I needed time to reflect on last year. I found last year incredibly hard for several reasons including losing a man so dear to me to cancer, breaking up from a long-term relationship, the loss of a family friend and news of family members becoming unwell. It was a year I felt completely numb and started to really distance myself from who I really was and didn’t become the nicest person. I also found it so difficult to express my emotions and tackle the ones I was fighting.

The feeling of numbness was the worst last year than I can remember ever feeling and it’s such a weird and confusing feeling. It feels like everything at once and nothing at all, like you can’t feel because you’re feeling too much at once. And then the periods of RAGE, when the numbness subsides and you feel these extremely intense feelings. The only thing to do for me was to self-harm or contemplate suicide, because FUCK it hurts so much and you never want to feel like that. My memory is terrible and I struggle to recall events during the year and at what times they were at. I remember the two weeks I spent at home in Kent extremely well, the memory is so raw because the pain I felt was unreal. That numbness hit me like a train. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t drink, I didn’t wash, I slept for hours and napped so often, I had no concentration and after crying for so many hours and days, I’d lost the ability to cry anymore. But I wasn’t happy, I still hurt so badly. My mother, father, step – father, family and best friend Char were my lights in the tunnel, the ones that got me out of this. I went to visit my grandparents and other family one day and instantly broke down and feeling the warmth of your family as they console you, really does pick you up. As harsh as it sounds I wish that cuddling family and friends could make you instantly better but it doesn’t when you’re that low.

The man that I grew fond of and acted as a Grandfather figure sadly passed away last year after what was thought as a long battle with his health, although diagnosis, hospitalisation and death was a remarkably quick process. This was the first death I had faced coming into my adult years, old enough to have grown proper attachments, made countless of memories and feel ‘adult’ grieving emotions. It was extremely stressing and took a lot of me. The day my dad called me to tell me of the illness, I remained strong on the phone and throughout the rest of my day, thinking that maybe he would get better and it would be okay. I didn’t think it had affected me much. BUT there was a shoplifter at work and I ran out and accused this man of stealing, of course he denied it (but c’mon it’s obvious when you have 4 bright blue bottles of bleach in your pretty much translucent bag) and when he started screaming at me and getting in my face, I retaliated and completely lost my cool. I was verbal back to him and that’s when I realised that, maybe I wasn’t fine and maybe this has really affected me. The day the most heartbreaking news broke I was at work, half way through my shift. My dad rung me, I stayed calm on the phone and got myself together, as soon as the phone was down I broke down, got myself a SIX PACK OF CREAM CAKES and scoffed four of them whilst howling. The sendoff for him couldn’t have been more fitting, loving and beautiful, so many people came and he was loved by so many. Of course, it hurt and I realised that I had very delayed grief albeit feeling the loss at the time, especially at the funeral. Months later I found myself in a state (also other events had happened) and it was all brought to the surface at the same time.

More death and tragic events followed throughout the year. The news of family member’s illnesses placed worry on me, especially after the dealing with a death in the same year. An old and loved family friend also passed away last year, which didn’t come as much as a shock due to his long-term battle with illness. When my dad told me, all I replied with what an absolute SHIT year.

Last year was a battle and my mental health greatly suffered because of it, also the trialing of new medication at the start of the year did me no favors. In reflection, there were positives that came out of last year, I came out of my second year of university with a 2:1, I went to America, I made new friends and rekindled with old friends, I formed a new relationship and the most important aspect of last year was the increased closeness of my family, especially on my father’s side. Although we have always been close knit, we all became so much closer last year and although it took a tragedy, I am oh so glad that it happened. I learnt a lot about myself and my mental health and an importance to me is I learnt that I can live happily and well on my own and I can battle my mental health (with obvious support) and I can get through the toughest of things in life. I slipped up a few times and shit I probably drank WAY too much, but I got through it. I also learnt, especially towards the end of the year that suicide really isn’t the answer and self-harm actually achieves a big heap of fuck all.

2018 is already shaping up to be a fantastic year and FUCK if it brings anything with it in comparison to last year, it’s going to be super difficult, but I’ll do it.