An in-depth "About Me"

"The brain is wider than the sky" Emily Dickinson      

                                      

I felt the start of my blog needed to be more about myself. I must add that this blog will not constantly be about my own experience. My mental wellbeing started to flail when I was around 10 or 11. My family and friends noticed a huge difference from the big, bright-eyed and bubbly girl who had always been laughing and happy, to someone drenched with depression and self-harming every day. 

Early Years 

Over ten years on, I cannot remember how or why I started to develop mental illness. My earliest memory was scratching myself when I was angry and feeling the intense release it gave me. From then on this was my coping mechanism and I adopted the habit of doing it every day. I became very different from everyone else, I started listening to different music and wearing different clothes, which caused me to get bullied. This only made my depression and self-harm so much worse and the "habit" started to spiral out of control. 

I remember the feeling of extreme rage and anger and taking this feeling out on my loved ones. My mum noticed that something was wrong when I let my guard down and didn't cover my self-harm and sent me for therapy. Although therapy helped it was obvious that this wasn't just going to be a quick fix and this would haunt me for some time. 

The "middle years" 

Over the next few years, I began to get worse and then better again with the help of medication and therapy. I had an extreme disconnection to everyone and would often question my closeness and relation to my parents. I also felt a loss of self and didn't feel that I "fit in" with anyone, which made it increasingly hard to make friends, especially at school and of my own age. I started hanging out with older people, which invited other "habits" to be taken on. 

I had difficulty forming "love" relationships alongside friendships. I often got myself into toxic relationships, full of arguments and violent outbursts. I'd push people away without wanting to as if it was out of my control. I was always social but was always anxious about what people thought of me. I created this sassy persona, who was fun, flirty, comedic and people wanted to be around me. What they didn't know is that I was hurting inside, desperately wanting their approval. 

I found it hard to grasp my first diagnosis, which came about after a hard battle with my health, I gave in, I needed help. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Anxiety. I could fully comprehend the anxiety diagnosis, but I had no knowledge of BPD. For years I questioned it, when finally, after researching and accepting myself I realised that it fit really well, especially surrounding mood fluctuation, difficulty with relationships and feeling "lost". 

Present Day 

I have recently been through another tough period in my life. Which prompted me to seek help again. I visited two psychiatrists that diagnosed Type 2 bipolar but were reluctant to throw out BPD. I am currently on different medication which is helping me thoroughly. I'm still anxious, and I am still extremely paranoid about others and their approval. However, I am better at forming relationships with friends and have been with my boyfriend now for 5 years.