Today I wore a crop top...

“You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful.” 
― Amy Bloom

Today I wore my cropped Motorhead jumper since gaining even more weight. No, you can’t see any bare skin unless I lift my arms, I’m not wearing a single piece of material just to cover my breasts. Maybe I’m not as brave as others to reveal my stomach. But fuck it, I’m trying to embrace what I have, owning what I am and how I look. Today, I said fuck you to bullshit beauty standards.

I used to be thin when I was younger, around 10 or 11 stone. I still hated myself then. I hated the way my belly used to stick out and how my bum and boobs were much bigger than everyone else. I felt like a freak when I used to have to wear a bra at age 10/11. I used to pinch the tiny little bit of fat on me and called myself obese, never going out in anything too skimpy or in anything that would show my stomach. I genuinely thought I was massive looking in the mirror.

If I had any advice for my younger self going through that I would tell them to just shut the fuck up and embrace what you have, you’re beautiful. Oh, and when you’re older lay off the wine and cheese. I wish I could turn back time and tell myself that you don’t have to be thin to wear what you want, you don’t have to fit in with the normal size of people, you are you and you cannot change that.

The issue I have now is that I’m not at a healthy weight and my diet is poor, the joys of being a student. The other issue I face is my alcohol consumption, which obviously causes weight gain. I do not help myself, I don’t put any measures in place to help me lose weight and be more confident. I know full well that losing weight would help me gain confidence with my body and make me happier. I’ve just, unfortunately, run out of willpower.

To most, wearing a crop top is like, yeah whatever, it’s just a crop top. But for some people it’s such a big achievement, for me, it’s such a big achievement. Can I comfortably wear a bodycon, or tight-fitting dress now? Fuck no. But it’s a step in the right direction. On the contrary, why the fuck shouldn’t I be able to wear a tight-fitting dress? Who says I can’t wear a tight-fitting dress? Why does society have such strict, unachievable beauty standards? It feels that unless you have lush long hair, sculpted body, big tits then you’re not meeting societies shitty expectations. It’s bullshit, most people aren’t like that, and if you’re not, so what. Why aren’t you classed as beautiful if you don’t meet these expectations? It pains me that even with advancements such as plus-size models, everyone is still hung up on societies “ideal” person. Every size should be represented, everyone should be able to feel comfortable in themselves, no one should be compared to anyone else, we’re not all the same.

For those that do struggle, for those that pinch the parts of their body they’re not happy with, the ones that struggle to wear what they want. Embrace it, own it, live with it. If you want to lose weight or change yourself, do it for you not for what anyone else wants you to do. If you want to be bigger, then fucking own it, wear a crop top, wear the shit out of a bikini, be confident. I am trying each day to become confident in my own skin, trying to kick body image issues in the arse and be myself. Do I want to lose weight? I want to be healthy, I want to eat well. Do I wish to meet beauty standards? No. I’m trying to stop comparing myself to others, or others size. I am trying to just be me and live with what I have. AND WEAR THE FUCK OUT OF MY CROP TOP.





Comments

  1. BellntheBean22 October 2017 at 12:58

    This sums up my Body Dysmorphic Disorder. This is so meaningful. You are beautiful. No matter what size we are as clichè as it is to say,it's what's on the inside that counts. This has made my day reading this. It's nice to know someone has the same feelings but from a different perspective. Xx

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