Anxiety is hell.

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”  Corrie ten Boom

The title of this blog really sums up anxiety, it’s the ultimate hell. No matter how hard you try and turn it off, at times it just doesn’t go away, it just lingers. Out of all my mental health, anxiety is the one I struggle the most with. It’s present every day in my life. Sometimes, it’s not that bad, but it can be crippling.  

You can research the both the physical and psychological symptoms of anxiety, but unless you research into blogs, no one really tells you what it’s like day in, day out. I find my physical symptoms are raised temperature, increased and irregular heartbeat, anxiety belly (the feeling of emptiness in my stomach made worse by the feeling of butterflies), hot flushes and at times panic attacks. This often leads to difficulty sleeping. At times the physical and psychological effects can warrant me bed bound and unable to leave the house because of how anxious I feel.

Psychologically, anxiety wipes me out. Firstly, the fear of the worst possible outcome. Anxiety prevents me from thinking rationally and instantly results to the worst outcome from the situation. For example, I went to a festival recently and I bought the ticket off someone rather than through the company. I was so anxious that I had bought a counterfeit ticket that I couldn’t sleep the night before the festival. I was daydreaming that I would walk up to the counter, they would scan my ticket and it would be a fake. Then what would I do? How would I get home? What would my friends think? I’d be a liability. This is the smallest thing, but to me it was major. My ticket was real, the person was trustworthy, I had a brilliant time but the lead up was awful for me.

Feeling like things are against you, that people are against you is something incredibly difficult to overcome. Anxiety has meant that for me friendships and relationships are extremely difficult. I often feel that people are against me and don’t like me, when that is false. I can feel as if even my closest friends hate me, that they don’t really want to stick around, that I’m a burden on them. Because of this, I tend to distance myself from them, and then stupidly I’m alone. I feel incredibly nervous around new people, unsure of how to act or feel, especially in large groups. When in a group and people start talking amongst themselves, my brain tells me instantly that’s about me, that they’re staring and laughing at me, forming a judgement. In relationships, my anxiety plays up massively and the paranoia takes over. Any little bump or hurdle in the relationship and my mind is shot. The negative thoughts then creep in, he’s going to leave you, why? Because you’re not worthy of love, no one should care for you, no one loves you.

If anything goes wrong, my world goes to shit. Anything I don’t like the sound of, anything that doesn’t go my way or the way I planned and my brain takes a hold. I begin to panic, my world speeds up and the physical sensations sink in. It feels like everything is against me. Of course, it’s not, it’s just life and life throws hurdles in the way. But it feels like it can only happen to me. My world falls down around me and I question, why me? Why does everything happen to me? Am I a bad person?

Overthinking is the worst thing about anxiety. The thinking when you just can’t turn your brain off, you can’t sleep, you can’t eat. It feels like your head is heavy, like your body is being weighed down by an invisible pressure. Overthinking makes you feel numb when it does eventually shut off. It feels like a million thoughts are racing around your brain, clouding up your mind and it’s hard to escape. It is so hard to shut off.

Having dealt with anxiety there are some self-help exercises that can really help. The main one for me is taking away the focus from the thoughts and anxiety. To do so I usually make myself a cup of tea, sit down somewhere comfortable and have a cigarette. I focus on the tea, what it tastes like (herbal teas are seriously good) and the heat from it. It helps to just calm everything down and to shift the focus. Deep breathing can also help, when breathing out imagine all the anxiety leaving the body starting from the head. This can really help if you are tensed up, especially around the shoulders.

Talking to people is one of the best therapies. By this I don’t mean just mean a professional therapist but someone you are comfortable with. This could be a friend, a parent, a teacher, someone that cares about you. I always find that talking to someone about what is going on in my head, or any concerns I have really helps to elevate the anxiety and make me calmer.

Anxiety is such a struggle, but it can be managed. I honestly would not wish it on anyone. There are methods to control anxiety alongside medication which do work and in time you find coping mechanisms that really help for you. It’s a long road, one which is very difficult, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and you can overcome anxiety.