Hi Brain... Why you gotta be difficult?

“I'm so good at beginnings, but in the end I always seem to destroy everything, including myself.”  ―  Kiera Van Gelder Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Emotionally Unstable Disorder. Whatever it is, It’s shit. Everything is just intensified, the good emotions and the bad. It’s common for everything to seem like it’s either black or white and it’s true, there’s no middle ground of ‘okay’, it’s either really fucking fabulous with rainbows and unicorns and glitter and sunshine or it’s bleak, everything is black and worthless. And that changes in an instant and at times there isn’t a trigger at all, it’s like a switch. After a couple of hours, or even in less than an hour that can all change again. You stop crying, your stop feeling worthless and empty and you’re back to the state you were in before, just shrug it off and move on. People don’t understand that at all. The amount of times I’ve been in an episode, itching to harm myself, screaming at people, hittin...

Last fucking year. Arguably the worst year of my life that contained loss, hurt, heartbreak. In the bleakest of times I wasn’t sure that I would see 2018. From ambulances to hospital admissions, I made it to 2018, a stronger, more well-rounded person than I was before. Am I full okay? Nope, but my fuck am I better than last year. IM WRITING THIS 2 MONTHS AFTER THE BEGINNING OF 2018  because university has filled up all my time and I needed time to reflect on last year. I found last year incredibly hard for several reasons including losing a man so dear to me to cancer, breaking up from a long-term relationship, the loss of a family friend and news of family members becoming unwell. It was a year I felt completely numb and started to really distance myself from who I really was and didn’t become the nicest person. I also found it so difficult to express my emotions and tackle the ones I was fighting. The feeling of numbness was the worst last year than I can remember ev...